THE WOES OF MOTHERHOOD!

By Brother Danny 

THE most thought-provoking thing I have learnt lately in the society through my counseling sessions is not a job promotion or business success for women. Believe you me, it is any report about, of all things, birth and fertility rates.

Though the report may merely contain information that most sisters of the new era already know – a woman’s fertility peaks around the mid-20s, starts to decline in the late 20s and early 30s, and drops dramatically after 39 – it has still managed to provoke great anxiety among a number of childless women.

Usually, things like this do affect many ladies. According to records, in the late ‘80s, when that now-infamous study by a Yale sociologist and Harvard economist in the USA came out saying that college-educated women who were still single at the age of 35 had only a five per cent chance of ever getting married, sisters across America , Europe and even Africa were traumatized. Some immediately went on the husband hunt, the spousal stalk, the paternity prowl.

Their reaction always puzzled me (though I was young by that time still studying) since I assumed it doesn’t take a genius to know that ‘against the odds’ does not mean ‘impossible’ any more than ‘not now’ means ‘never’.

About motherhood, I have always felt the same way. I have always been sanguine enough to take a distance view. Basically, I feel it is the will of God for someone to conceive and have a baby. That’s not to say I never think about the biological clock thing.

Most women in their 30s are facing biology’s ticking watch. Those who are childless are craving for it. Ask your lady friend who have children and she will tell you that motherhood is the experience of a lifetime. A spiritual pinnacle. The ultimate high. The emotional mother lode. So yes, think about the biological clock, but don’t let it to haunt you.

I believe in nature, but above nature, we have to rely to the will of God. There are older sisters who were married in their 20s, but to date they don’t have children or even ever conceived! It’s no joke. But there are unmarried sisters even in their late 30s or early 40s who have got children or fatherless children (though I can’t believe if there is a child without a father).

My mom gave birth to me while she was 44. The old lady thought that I was the last, but she went on to conceive. You know what? Our last born came to this planet earth when our mom was 54! Thank God the lady is still alive at her early 80s.

But something does haunt women. It is something, something about being a mother, something which no statistical report could ever provide the answer to: How do you know you have what it makes to be one? And, even if you think you have the right stuff, how do you know when the time is right for you?

If you can’t answer either question, you don’t even allow yourself to ask the really hard ones, like: Can you make the total spiritual and emotional commitment motherhood requires? And, fertility rates and biological clocks aside, do you have the strength, not to mention the knowledge and wisdom, to handle its phenomenal requirements? The rigors. The responsibility. The weight of the world. The mother load, as Ms Laura Randolph of Ebony magazine once said.

“When I wanted to be a journalist, I went to journalism school. When I wanted to be a lawyer, I went to law school. Both gave me a pretty good indication of whether I’d be able to cut it at either. But how, where and when do you work on the M.M. – Master of Motherhood?” she once asked.

I don’t really know. It’s the mother of all dilemmas. As far as I know, “ Mother School ” does not exist, which Ms Laura said it strikes her as the ultimate absurdity since what job is more important than raising a child.

Most sisters are worried about what is needed to be a mother. They are not sure if they have what it takes to raise a child. Once in a while they are certain they do, and once in a while they are certain they don’t. most of the time they pray that the mothering gene is hereditary – that even if they never do it as well as their mothers, they’ll remember enough of their mothering to at least avoid to mess it up and seek advise from a social service people, though they are rare in Tanzania.

But, even if there’s no such thing as a mothering gene, I advise you sisters to be fairly certain that if and when you do have children, somehow things will be just fine. After all, you have to know the three magic words that will solve any of your problems: “Ask your grandmother.” Some are being taught during Unyago ceremonies in our Bantu traditional and culture.

Being a mother is not just knowing the basics of stuff like how to dye eggs, braid a ponytail and carry an infant in one arm while balancing groceries. You must know about the real weights of stuff: how to bring down a 2 a.m. fever and what to say about death. How to explain to a three-year-old how we know God is real even though we can’t see Him. How to make a child feel safe and secure in a world that is neither.

Your mother, even my mother, knew all of these things. It didn’t matter how many times you brought her your problems, or how simple or difficult they were to fix. Whatever the trouble, she always did the same thing: Right the wrong. Soothe the heart. Make it better.

E-mail: brotherdanny5@gmail.com or +255 715 070109